Thoughts from the Battlefield

Eviction Notice

You are hereby served! 

As of December 31st, 2009, you are hereby given formal notice that eviction proceedings will now begin against you.  No longer will you be allowed to occupy space in my head without my sole permission and consent. 

Gone are the days where free room and board were amply handed out to every entity that I perceived to have wronged me.  All those who cut me off in traffic are put on notice.  All those that I have maintained a grudge against are put on notice.  All those that I have let hurt me because I viewed myself as weak and undeserving of something better are also put on notice.  Further, all those who have taken advantage of me because I wanted to play nicely and not upset anyone's feelings are especially put on notice.  This is nothing personal.  I want you all to know that I forgive you for your transgressions but I can no longer afford to give you space that is really only meant for one person -- me. 

This will be a room by room sweep for every one of you that has illegally occupied space no matter how long the time period.  And, each room will be stripped down the the wires! 

These premises are now being converted to luxury high-rise condominiums.  Don't bother asking about the rent either.  You and everyone like you simply can't afford it.

Be it enacted this date, December 31st, 2009, that you are all hereby put on notice.  This judgement is final and concrete....and it's about fucking time.   

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

I get this too now

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful..."  (((SHUDDER)))

I don't believe I've actually ever been a fan of Christmas music.  It's always so ridiculously happy and over the top that it just pisses me off.  Yes, I'm a Grinch and proud of it.  One year, I even had a Grinch hanging up in my office cubicle. Somehow it just fits me. 

So, there I was driving home with the kids tonight and it hit me.  I had Hellwitch on the stereo playing some tune off a compilation CD I got out of one of my metal magazines.  Before anyone freaks out, Hellwitch is a thrash metal band.  Well, call them retro-thrash actually as they are part of a new wave of a thrash revival currently going on in heavy metal.  I usually have something non-traditional playing in the car because I want to expose my kids to music other than the mainstream, homogenized crap that fills the airwaves.  There is so much more out there than what the public is force-fed.  It simply astounds me that people can have their musical tastes so narrow in today's world. 

At any rate, it occurred to me that I should put on Christmas music.  It really hit me all of a sudden and it all finally made sense.  I don't  put it on because I like it...but because my kids do. I mean, Christmas is all about the kids anyways and that's really where the focus needs to be.  As parents, we give much of ourselves to their upbringing.  We try to instill in them values, morals and traditions that we ourselves hold dear.  So, it's only fitting that I should finally realize that it's no longer about what I like ...but about what THEY like.  I shouldn't deny them the joy of listening to the music that inspires so many wonderful feelings in them.  Instead, I need to shift the focus off myself, where it's been for too long now, and onto them.  Sure enough, if I didn't have that music on for not more than two minutes that all the fighting in the car stopped.  They sat there and just listened to what was playing...in silence.  Freakin' amazing.

Change your attitude and you can change the world.  All it takes is a simple course correction every now and then and you never know what can happen.  I was both amazed and delighted tonight at what happened in the car.  I hope I can continue taking the steps I need to take in order to better serve my kids.  I owe them no less.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

That was harder than I thought

I love you and I accept you for who you are.

Try saying that to yourself in the mirror if you have self-esteem issues and struggle with depression.  I did that the other morning and it took me a full 10 minutes to finally be able to say it.  It was the damndest thing too.  I sat there staring at myself while trying to will the words out of my mouth and I couldn't do it.  I did, however, find fault with most everything that was staring back at me, though.  Imagine that...

See, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf in life after all that I've been through this past year.  I experienced a great deal of loss and it damn near made me want to give up.  But, I'm still here and I'm still fighting.  There has to be a reason and I firmly believe that now.  It's been a very difficult struggle to get to this point but I'm not giving up.  I refuse to do that now and I know that it will only get better. 

Anyway, so there I am staring at myself and finding fault with everything and I suddenly realized I was doing the same old thing I've always done - beat myself up mercilessly.  If I'm going to take control of my life and determine the course instead of letting others dictate where it goes, I need to give this up and get on with things.  So, I took a deep breath, mentally surrendered to my higher power, and was finally able to say those comforting words to myself.  What a relief it was to finally be able to say those words.  After struggling with it for so long, and not just the time spent in front of the mirror that morning, I was able to say it to myself...and mean it.  What a liberating feeling that was.  I took that feeling with me the whole day and felt a sense of contentment I haven't felt in a very long time.

It was what I needed to do for me.  Surrender to something greater than myself (more on that later) and admit that I can't do it alone.  This is one step of many that I will take if I'm going to reclaim my life and finally start living it for me.  And, frankly, it's about time.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

Just a quickie

I think I'm finally ready to make contact with my birthfather's side of the family. 

I've given it a lot of thought and I think I'm finally ready for this.  It was exactly 10 years ago this month that I was reunited with my birthmother.  It was a life-altering experience and one that I will never regret.  But lately, I've felt that with everything going on in my life (i.e. my marriage, losing a job, my truck, the house, the dogs, health issues), maybe it's time that I reconnect the other parts.  Maybe this is the universe clearing the path for me and opening the door to a new experience.  So, I think I'll take advantage of it while it's here.

Emotional roller coaster, ...here I come.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

I get it now

Fear.  I live my life in fear.  It is far and away my biggest addiction and from it sprouts most of my other addictions. 

It's entirely possible all this started when I was placed for adoption at six days old.  I wasn't adopted until I was four and a half months old.  To this day, I have no idea where I was.  I have no idea if I was left to wallow in my own feces or if someone was there to hold me when I cried out for comforting.  And, thanks to the archaic laws surrounding adoption in this country, ...I may never know. 

So, I've probably always lived in fear that when a person leaves me, even for a short time, they may never come back.  My birthmother said goodbye one day and I never saw her again for another 30 years.  My foster parents, whoever the hell they were, said goodbye and never saw me again.  My friends said goodbye to me at ages 3 and again at age 14 and I have yet to see them after all this time.  Even, most recently, my wife and family. 

So, I believe I developed this fear that if I'm close to someone, if I loved and cared for someone and they leave, I may never see them again.  It finally occurred to me the other day in a huge "A-ha" moment.  All those times I wasn't supportive of my wife's trips out of town on business was because I was fearful she'd never come back.  It's not that I wasn't happy for her on some level, but I felt a deep-seeded fear that she'd find someone or something else and that I'd lose her.  It was probably my biggest fear when she'd go away and I'd worry myself silly over it.  It's only now that I'm realizing how much of a stranglehold fear had, and still has, on my life.

You see, the biggest fear for fear-based addicts is being found out.  I feared that I'd be found out as an inferior spouse, as an inadequate father and as an incomplete person.  I feared being left alone without someone there to come home to at the end of the day. I feared her being attracted to someone else...someone more exciting, attractive and better off than I was.  I feared so much that I let it rule my life for practically the last 40 years.  It's amazing what that kind of realization can do to your day once it really hits you. 

When fear is turned inward it becomes anger.  Anger, left to fester, becomes depression and I've been depressed for a very long time.  John Bradshaw, author of "Healing the Shame That Binds You," states that "anger is a preserving emotional energy.  Anger is the self-preserving feeling.  Our anger is an energy by which we protect ourselves.  Our anger is our strength." 

For me, my anger, which arose from my fear, was my shield.  It protected me from the possible pain I'd feel if someone left or found me out.  It contained any weak feelings with a wall of titanium steel that no one could penetrate.  And, I would be damned if I was going to let anyone get through that wall to hurt me again.  The pain was unspeakably bad and nothing that I ever wanted to feel again. So, what I thought was my strength was really my downfall.  It was my Achilles heel.  Further, it's what would contribute to the demise of my marriage.  Life is nothing if not ironic.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

Pissed off

I'm in a bad spot.  It's been a shitty week so far and it just got worse. 

It's truly amazing how the people we love can hurt us.  They say things or do things that cause us pain and probably don't think twice about it.  Words are said in anger.  Things are done in the heat of the moment.  People sometimes don't think about what comes out of their mouth or off the ends of their fingertips.  If they did, maybe they'd realize how hurtful those words could be.  Maybe they'd think twice before hitting the "publish" button.  Maybe. 

Or maybe not. 

Maybe they'd do and say the same things they've said because they're not thinking.  Maybe they'd hit that publish button again and again out of the hurt and misery in their own lives.  And just maybe they'd do all the same things time and time again because they're just mean and they're finally letting the truth about themselves be known to all. 

I'm pissed off tonight and I'm struggling to make sense of things again like I have for the last five months now.  One thing is said, yet something entirely different gets back to me.  It seems to be the general pattern I'm seeing.  Maybe I was blind before to just what was happening.  Maybe my eyes are finally open to see what was plainly there in front of me the entire time.  Maybe I'm through being a doormat and will be able to summon the courage to say, "Enough is enough." 

My co-dependency is telling me to stay involved and stay connected.  I'm aware of that now.  Awareness is a cool thing.  It's the difference between staying a victim and becoming a survivor.  I'll detach from these feelings and I'll get better.  I won't do it for you.  I'll do it for myself and my own sanity.  You no longer control me.  I might struggle from time to time but I'll get through this and come out stronger on the other side.  I'm taking my life back and you can't stop me.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.