Now what?

Recovery is a bitch.  Just let me put that out there now. 

I fully expect this to be a long and painful process.  To make matters worse, I also expect this to be an ongoing process for the rest of my life.  I'm told that you can never fully recover from co-dependency but that you merely become aware of its existence.  Great.  Lucky me.  I can't begin to describe the feeling you get when you get news like this.  It's got a way of ruining your weekend....for the rest of your life.

Recovery is going to force me to turn my insides out in order for me to try to understand why I am the way I am.  It's going to make me dissect each part of my life to determine where my problems areas are and shine a big friggin' spotlight on them.  In short, it's going to make me feel like I've been rubbed raw with acid and then rinsed with salt. 

I realize this will be a good thing in the long run.  However, I now have to face myself, alone, and deal with the results.  I'm not sure I'm going to like what I find.  Maybe that's the fear talking.  Maybe it's the dread of not knowing what's down there waiting to make an appearance.  Who am I kidding...it's fear. 

Facing myself is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.  I'm quite sure of it.  For many years, I thought marriage was the toughest challenge. I've got a feeling I'm going to be proven wrong in spades on this one.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.