Thoughts from the Battlefield

Eviction Notice

You are hereby served! 

As of December 31st, 2009, you are hereby given formal notice that eviction proceedings will now begin against you.  No longer will you be allowed to occupy space in my head without my sole permission and consent. 

Gone are the days where free room and board were amply handed out to every entity that I perceived to have wronged me.  All those who cut me off in traffic are put on notice.  All those that I have maintained a grudge against are put on notice.  All those that I have let hurt me because I viewed myself as weak and undeserving of something better are also put on notice.  Further, all those who have taken advantage of me because I wanted to play nicely and not upset anyone's feelings are especially put on notice.  This is nothing personal.  I want you all to know that I forgive you for your transgressions but I can no longer afford to give you space that is really only meant for one person -- me. 

This will be a room by room sweep for every one of you that has illegally occupied space no matter how long the time period.  And, each room will be stripped down the the wires! 

These premises are now being converted to luxury high-rise condominiums.  Don't bother asking about the rent either.  You and everyone like you simply can't afford it.

Be it enacted this date, December 31st, 2009, that you are all hereby put on notice.  This judgement is final and concrete....and it's about fucking time.   

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

I get this too now

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful..."  (((SHUDDER)))

I don't believe I've actually ever been a fan of Christmas music.  It's always so ridiculously happy and over the top that it just pisses me off.  Yes, I'm a Grinch and proud of it.  One year, I even had a Grinch hanging up in my office cubicle. Somehow it just fits me. 

So, there I was driving home with the kids tonight and it hit me.  I had Hellwitch on the stereo playing some tune off a compilation CD I got out of one of my metal magazines.  Before anyone freaks out, Hellwitch is a thrash metal band.  Well, call them retro-thrash actually as they are part of a new wave of a thrash revival currently going on in heavy metal.  I usually have something non-traditional playing in the car because I want to expose my kids to music other than the mainstream, homogenized crap that fills the airwaves.  There is so much more out there than what the public is force-fed.  It simply astounds me that people can have their musical tastes so narrow in today's world. 

At any rate, it occurred to me that I should put on Christmas music.  It really hit me all of a sudden and it all finally made sense.  I don't  put it on because I like it...but because my kids do. I mean, Christmas is all about the kids anyways and that's really where the focus needs to be.  As parents, we give much of ourselves to their upbringing.  We try to instill in them values, morals and traditions that we ourselves hold dear.  So, it's only fitting that I should finally realize that it's no longer about what I like ...but about what THEY like.  I shouldn't deny them the joy of listening to the music that inspires so many wonderful feelings in them.  Instead, I need to shift the focus off myself, where it's been for too long now, and onto them.  Sure enough, if I didn't have that music on for not more than two minutes that all the fighting in the car stopped.  They sat there and just listened to what was playing...in silence.  Freakin' amazing.

Change your attitude and you can change the world.  All it takes is a simple course correction every now and then and you never know what can happen.  I was both amazed and delighted tonight at what happened in the car.  I hope I can continue taking the steps I need to take in order to better serve my kids.  I owe them no less.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

That was harder than I thought

I love you and I accept you for who you are.

Try saying that to yourself in the mirror if you have self-esteem issues and struggle with depression.  I did that the other morning and it took me a full 10 minutes to finally be able to say it.  It was the damndest thing too.  I sat there staring at myself while trying to will the words out of my mouth and I couldn't do it.  I did, however, find fault with most everything that was staring back at me, though.  Imagine that...

See, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf in life after all that I've been through this past year.  I experienced a great deal of loss and it damn near made me want to give up.  But, I'm still here and I'm still fighting.  There has to be a reason and I firmly believe that now.  It's been a very difficult struggle to get to this point but I'm not giving up.  I refuse to do that now and I know that it will only get better. 

Anyway, so there I am staring at myself and finding fault with everything and I suddenly realized I was doing the same old thing I've always done - beat myself up mercilessly.  If I'm going to take control of my life and determine the course instead of letting others dictate where it goes, I need to give this up and get on with things.  So, I took a deep breath, mentally surrendered to my higher power, and was finally able to say those comforting words to myself.  What a relief it was to finally be able to say those words.  After struggling with it for so long, and not just the time spent in front of the mirror that morning, I was able to say it to myself...and mean it.  What a liberating feeling that was.  I took that feeling with me the whole day and felt a sense of contentment I haven't felt in a very long time.

It was what I needed to do for me.  Surrender to something greater than myself (more on that later) and admit that I can't do it alone.  This is one step of many that I will take if I'm going to reclaim my life and finally start living it for me.  And, frankly, it's about time.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

Just a quickie

I think I'm finally ready to make contact with my birthfather's side of the family. 

I've given it a lot of thought and I think I'm finally ready for this.  It was exactly 10 years ago this month that I was reunited with my birthmother.  It was a life-altering experience and one that I will never regret.  But lately, I've felt that with everything going on in my life (i.e. my marriage, losing a job, my truck, the house, the dogs, health issues), maybe it's time that I reconnect the other parts.  Maybe this is the universe clearing the path for me and opening the door to a new experience.  So, I think I'll take advantage of it while it's here.

Emotional roller coaster, ...here I come.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

I get it now

Fear.  I live my life in fear.  It is far and away my biggest addiction and from it sprouts most of my other addictions. 

It's entirely possible all this started when I was placed for adoption at six days old.  I wasn't adopted until I was four and a half months old.  To this day, I have no idea where I was.  I have no idea if I was left to wallow in my own feces or if someone was there to hold me when I cried out for comforting.  And, thanks to the archaic laws surrounding adoption in this country, ...I may never know. 

So, I've probably always lived in fear that when a person leaves me, even for a short time, they may never come back.  My birthmother said goodbye one day and I never saw her again for another 30 years.  My foster parents, whoever the hell they were, said goodbye and never saw me again.  My friends said goodbye to me at ages 3 and again at age 14 and I have yet to see them after all this time.  Even, most recently, my wife and family. 

So, I believe I developed this fear that if I'm close to someone, if I loved and cared for someone and they leave, I may never see them again.  It finally occurred to me the other day in a huge "A-ha" moment.  All those times I wasn't supportive of my wife's trips out of town on business was because I was fearful she'd never come back.  It's not that I wasn't happy for her on some level, but I felt a deep-seeded fear that she'd find someone or something else and that I'd lose her.  It was probably my biggest fear when she'd go away and I'd worry myself silly over it.  It's only now that I'm realizing how much of a stranglehold fear had, and still has, on my life.

You see, the biggest fear for fear-based addicts is being found out.  I feared that I'd be found out as an inferior spouse, as an inadequate father and as an incomplete person.  I feared being left alone without someone there to come home to at the end of the day. I feared her being attracted to someone else...someone more exciting, attractive and better off than I was.  I feared so much that I let it rule my life for practically the last 40 years.  It's amazing what that kind of realization can do to your day once it really hits you. 

When fear is turned inward it becomes anger.  Anger, left to fester, becomes depression and I've been depressed for a very long time.  John Bradshaw, author of "Healing the Shame That Binds You," states that "anger is a preserving emotional energy.  Anger is the self-preserving feeling.  Our anger is an energy by which we protect ourselves.  Our anger is our strength." 

For me, my anger, which arose from my fear, was my shield.  It protected me from the possible pain I'd feel if someone left or found me out.  It contained any weak feelings with a wall of titanium steel that no one could penetrate.  And, I would be damned if I was going to let anyone get through that wall to hurt me again.  The pain was unspeakably bad and nothing that I ever wanted to feel again. So, what I thought was my strength was really my downfall.  It was my Achilles heel.  Further, it's what would contribute to the demise of my marriage.  Life is nothing if not ironic.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

Pissed off

I'm in a bad spot.  It's been a shitty week so far and it just got worse. 

It's truly amazing how the people we love can hurt us.  They say things or do things that cause us pain and probably don't think twice about it.  Words are said in anger.  Things are done in the heat of the moment.  People sometimes don't think about what comes out of their mouth or off the ends of their fingertips.  If they did, maybe they'd realize how hurtful those words could be.  Maybe they'd think twice before hitting the "publish" button.  Maybe. 

Or maybe not. 

Maybe they'd do and say the same things they've said because they're not thinking.  Maybe they'd hit that publish button again and again out of the hurt and misery in their own lives.  And just maybe they'd do all the same things time and time again because they're just mean and they're finally letting the truth about themselves be known to all. 

I'm pissed off tonight and I'm struggling to make sense of things again like I have for the last five months now.  One thing is said, yet something entirely different gets back to me.  It seems to be the general pattern I'm seeing.  Maybe I was blind before to just what was happening.  Maybe my eyes are finally open to see what was plainly there in front of me the entire time.  Maybe I'm through being a doormat and will be able to summon the courage to say, "Enough is enough." 

My co-dependency is telling me to stay involved and stay connected.  I'm aware of that now.  Awareness is a cool thing.  It's the difference between staying a victim and becoming a survivor.  I'll detach from these feelings and I'll get better.  I won't do it for you.  I'll do it for myself and my own sanity.  You no longer control me.  I might struggle from time to time but I'll get through this and come out stronger on the other side.  I'm taking my life back and you can't stop me.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

Another step

What would you do if you could tell the world one thing about yourself?  What would that one thing be?  Would it be something profound or would it be something simple?  Would it be a deep, dark secret or would it be something that is common knowledge among your circle of friends?

I hurt inside.  I feel hurt...inside.  Maybe if I finally admit it then I can start healing whatever it is. 

I know that the hurt has been there since I was in my early teens and I have no idea why.  It was like a light switch was turned on one day and hurt has been my constant companion from that time forward.  I've been in therapy for years over the hurt and still have yet to get to the root of whatever it is.    For as many different therapists I've had and for as many ways as I've tried to approach it, I can't seem to make headway into the hurt. 

With my marriage in limbo and my life in pieces, I hurt now more than ever. 

I wonder, though, if admitting that I'm hurting over all of this will somehow help me face my hurt.  I wonder if giving voice to my fear, pain and anger will finally allow me to address them head-on.   I wonder if I'll be able to summon the courage to face my demons when the time comes.  I wonder if I'll have the strength to conquer those very demons once and for all and begin to get on with the rest of my life.  I wonder if it's too late to salvage my life in all this chaos.  Mostly, I wonder if I'll be the same person on the other side or if I'll be someone I hardly recognize. 

Again, the fear rears its ugly head. 

I hate living like this.  I hate hurting every day.  I hate waking up to face another day of fear, pain and anger.  I want to break free from these chains that have bound me for so long even if it means that I no longer know who or what I am anymore.  I don't want to live like this another moment. 

Maybe admitting these truths is how I begin my journey...

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

Now what?

Recovery is a bitch.  Just let me put that out there now. 

I fully expect this to be a long and painful process.  To make matters worse, I also expect this to be an ongoing process for the rest of my life.  I'm told that you can never fully recover from co-dependency but that you merely become aware of its existence.  Great.  Lucky me.  I can't begin to describe the feeling you get when you get news like this.  It's got a way of ruining your weekend....for the rest of your life.

Recovery is going to force me to turn my insides out in order for me to try to understand why I am the way I am.  It's going to make me dissect each part of my life to determine where my problems areas are and shine a big friggin' spotlight on them.  In short, it's going to make me feel like I've been rubbed raw with acid and then rinsed with salt. 

I realize this will be a good thing in the long run.  However, I now have to face myself, alone, and deal with the results.  I'm not sure I'm going to like what I find.  Maybe that's the fear talking.  Maybe it's the dread of not knowing what's down there waiting to make an appearance.  Who am I kidding...it's fear. 

Facing myself is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.  I'm quite sure of it.  For many years, I thought marriage was the toughest challenge. I've got a feeling I'm going to be proven wrong in spades on this one.

My name is John, ...and I'm an addict.

Time to get real

For too long, practically all my life, I've denied a simple truth.  I figure that with my life in pieces (a marital separation, a job that leaves me woefully under-employed and financial ruin) there is no better time to start getting real with myself.  After all, I've got nothing left to lose.

My drugs of choice over the years have been fear and control.  Co-dependency and nearly 25 years of a deep depression are the results of my indulgences. 

Step One of my recovery tells me that I have to admit that I am powerless over my addiction and others and that my life has become unmanageable.  I am now admitting the nature of my addiction in the hopes that I can begin the healing.  No more lies.  No more excuses. 

My name is John ...and I'm an addict.

Heartbreak

4:23 P.M.  Friday.  July 31st.  That's the exact moment when my daughter's heart broke.  It was the most surreal moment of my entire life sitting there watching it all happen knowing I was powerless to stop it. 

My wife and I are getting separated after nine years of marriage.  Our issues have become too much for us to deal with together so we've chosen to work on them separately while living apart.  We don't know if this will help reconcile the deep seeded problems between us.  However, what we do know is that we can no longer live under the same roof and fight like we do in front of the kids.  It's not fair to them and it's not fair to us.

So, back to my daughter...  I sat there, as we broke the news to them, watching her intensely.  I knew this was going to be hardest on her.  She's only seven but is very intelligent and knows what's going more so than I think we give her credit for.  I listened as Mommy broke the news that Daddy would no longer be living at our house.  I watched tears start to well up in her eyes and her chin begin to quiver.   A part of me died that very instant. I watched as she processed what Mommy was saying and saw the devestation in her eyes when the realization set in.  All I could do to comfort her was stroke her little knee and tell her how sorry I was that this was happening.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I tried to reassure her that none of this was her fault and that both Mommy and Daddy loved her very much. 

My son was also in attendance but seemed very aloof with the news.  He's only four so we knew it wouldn't affect him quite the way it would with my daughter.

After the therapist left the room, we both began to ask our daughter if she had any questions or concerns regarding the upcoming changes.  She had a hard time making eye contact and difficulty in keeping her chin from quivering while leaning into us both for hugs of reassurance.   It was devastating to witness but made all the more tragic since we were the ones who had just put her in this position.  She could only muster, "I want to go in the other room and play."  Avoidance, it seemed, was how she was going to process it for the time being.  She did however tell us she loved us as she walked out of the room with tears streaming down her little cheeks.

It's an image and a moment I don't believe I'll ever forget.  Knowing that we were the ones who did this to our little girl will stay with me forever.  I don't know how we can make things right.  Hell, I don't even know if we can ever reconcile our differences and become a whole family once again.  But, I swear that I will let my kids know I love them every day and do everything in my power not to have to endure another experience like this.